PETER: Hey, Scooby, any requests?
SCOOBY: Rah-"Ronna Ry Me a Rog".
MIKE: Gonna fly me a hog?
DAVY: Gonna dye me a frog?
MICKY: Gonna fry me a log?
PETER (grinning): No, silly! "Gonna Buy Me a Dog".
VELMA (knowingly): A Boyce and Hart composition.
MIKE: What and who? I wrote that song, Missy. Nearly cost me a hundred dollars.
VELMA: Well, excuse me!
Then, out of nowhere, a strange girl beamed herself onto the scene.
name is Valleri Blackwell-"
"Oh, it is not!" Mike exclaimed tiredly.
The stranger bowed her head and blushed. "Okay, it's Mary Sue Trekker. I'm the annoying and gratuitous character female authors stick in their fanfic to represent themselves."
"And what are you here for?" Velma inquired.
Mary Sue directed her speech toward the Monkees alone, much to the chagrin of everyone else present. "Well, you know that scene from the beginning of your movie Head? The one right after "The Porpoise Song"? I was thinking we could recreate-"
Davy interrupted. "The movie Head? Now who would name a movie Head? That's the silliest name I ever heard for a movie."
"But you know the scene? The one where the girl kisses each of you?"
Mary Sue slapped her forehead. "Oh, I forgot. You're the TV show characters. Can I kiss each of you anyway?"
"What do you think this is, an orgy?" Mike demanded indignantly.
Velma broke in. "This is a Hanna-Barbera cartoon; therefore-A FAMILY SHOW!"
Mary Sue shrugged. "Well, I tried."
Everyone agreed that Mary Sue was a pain and Sassip punted her onto Gilligan's Island, where Mary Sue would fall in love with Gilligan and defend him from the wrath of Skipper's hat as well as the wrath of the other castaways.
Without a Mary Sue character to project herself onto, the author started projecting all her inner angst and turmoil onto Micky, whom she related to for reasons lost in the obscurity of time.
"Hey, Mike, why is Micky trashing his drum set?" Davy asked.
"I dunno. He thinks he's Keith Moon, I guess."
"Micky is filled with primal rage!" BT cried. "I don't know whether to cling to him or go hide somewhere."
"All I'm saying is it's not like him," Davy continued. "He's supposed to be the happy-go-lucky clown, you know, always joking and jovial."
"All this angst!" Micky shouted. "I can't stand it! I'm going to throw myself off a bridge!" Thus saying, he took off, leaving a Micky-shaped hole in the wall because he didn't have time to use the door.
"Hey, isn't the mayor officiating at the dedication ceremony to the largest suspended arch bridge in the world today?" Davy asked.
"We better go!" Mike cried, and he, Peter, and Davy got up to leave.
"You bring my Micky back safe now!" BT ordered.
Fred and Velma watched the trio depart. "What do you suppose could've gotten into Micky?" Velma inquired.
Fred's brow furrowed. "I don't know, Velma. But that's a mystery I intend to figure out."
"Why do we have to solve every mystery?" Shaggy demanded.
"Because they're there," Velma answered.
"Can it at least wait 'til my nails are dry?" Daphne asked.
A few hours later, the three returned, escorting a soaking wet but
Micky. Micky was hitting his head to dislodge water and minnows from
ear. "Really, fellas, I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. I
"Well, it's a good thing those little mermaids rescued you," Mike stated.
"Yeah, and that sea gull and that yellow fish," Davy chimed in.
"And that odd calypso singing crab," Peter added.
Mary Sue beamed in. "See! You do know about Head! You just acted out the first scene!"
"Who's acting? Ow!" Micky cried, hitting himself and dislodging a sea horse from his ear.
"Oh." Mary Sue reluctantly beamed out.
"Micky, you don't need to get all angst ridden and stuff when you've got the three of us here," Davy said kindly.
"I love you, man!" Micky cried, and the four of them group hugged.
"The Telemonkees wuv each other very much," MT observed childishly.
"Telemonkees?" BT wondered.
"Mmm, mermaids," Sassip said to no one in particular. "The chicken of the sea."
"Do you suppose we're Mary Sue characters?" BT asked Al, having grown nauseated with watching the Monkees bond.
"In a bizarre and twisted way," Al replied.
"I'm rolling myself off to a mermaid fry," Sassip announced, and rolled into the ocean.
"Well, we've got a mystery to solve elsewhere," Fred announced.
Shaggy knelt by Daphne, taking her hand. Her nails were still not dry, but she let it go. "Daphne, what say we ditch Fred and Velma? Just me and you and a dog named Doo, traveling and living off the land?"
"Okay!" Daphne agreed cheerfully, because she had grown bored of Fred lately.
"And we can also travel with Scooby's adorable and spirited nephew, Scrappy!" Shaggy continued with excitement. "His web site is at The Unofficial Scrappy-Doo Fan Page http://www.geocities.com/scoob_page/."
"Now that was a shameless promotion," Velma remarked.
So the two halves of the Scooby gang split, leaving the Monkees hugging huggably like Teletubbies and thus satisfying the author's need for mushy friendship scenes.