weird thing
One Poofed Off To The *Cuckoo* Nest

One day Al was sleeping and BT poured boiling hot tea on her. She shrieked so loud it woke Peter up and he ran around the pad jumping on the other Monkees and knocking all manner of things over in the melee.
Later that day, after they all cleaned up, BT put rat in Davy's fish bucket for Sassip. Sassip freaked and ran out of Peter's mind and bashed into Babbit who went to get the authorities. After they straighted him out (AGAIN), BT put soapy water on the floor and Mike and Micky went flying into each other, getting big lumps on their noggins.
Finally Al could take it no more.

"BT!" she said angrily. "YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!"
BT giggled and petted MT. "Mommy's just playing!" he said stupidly and giggled.
"Ugh" said Al. And just as she turned around, BT poofed Mike right behind her so that Al crashed into Mike and they both fell on Davy and Peter.
"ALRIGHT! That's IT!" shouted Al, poofing BT into the Room she couldn't get out of. In other words... Figment "cuckoo!".

BT drew in a deep breath. All around was NOTHING. Nothing at all but dull gray swirly fog. It was very cool and damp and there was an odd odor in the air.
Suddenly there was an evil laughter and Evil Al appeared.
"AHAHAH! Evil BT! I see you've come to join meeeeee!" she cackled evilly.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!" said BT, and Evil Al began doing dumb things like turning her upsidedown and doing all sorts of foopy things to her hair.

Back in the Pad Micky sighed a breath of relief.
"THANK YOU AL!" he said and hugged her. Then they both turned bright red and stepped away slowly but determinedly.
"Yeh, AHEM, sure thing Mick.. eheh.." said Al.
"What did you do with MOOMMMEEE?!?!!" shouted MT.
"She's being punished right now. I'll bring her back. But let her spend a few days with Evil Al. Ha. Stupid prankster deserves her fate!" said Al huffily.
MT looked like he was going to cry but Peter picked him up and sat him on his lap and gave him a popsicle. "It's for her own good you know. She was naughty!" said Peter in a goofy voice.
MT finished the popsicle & fooled around with the stick. "Well....when is Mommy coming back?"
"In a few days, I said so up there!" Al snapped.
"But...I MISS her!" MT said.
"I DON'T!!!" Micky shouted gleefully & started running around in circles yelling "BT'S GONE BT'S GONE BT'S GONE" until Mike hit him with a stick.
"Ow, what'dja do that for?" Micky said.
"Shaddap," said Al.
"Yeah," said Mike.
"'Kay," said Micky & went to read a book.
"Well, that was pointless," Peter said & Al poofed up a three-way table tennis table and they all played table tennis.

Back in figment *cuckoo*...
"Now then!!!" Evil Al cackled gleefully.
"You already did that," said BT.
"Nooooooo," said Evil Al disgustedly. "I cackled EVILLY. It's very different."
"Oh...can I go home now please?" BT whimpered. Her hair was now ten feet long, an unattractive shade of periwinkle, & she was only half an inch tall, & had no fingers or toes.
"NO!! First you must...PAY THE PENALTY!!!" Evil Al shrieked.
"But my hair's ten feet long, purple, I'm smaller than a kewpie doll and I'm PHALANGE-LESS!" BT shouted.
"Eh? We already said that," said BT the author.
"Oops. Sowwy," said BT.
"GO AWAY YOU STUPID AUTHOR THIS IS MY STORY I'M RUNNING IT MWAHAHAHAH," said Evil Al. Then her eyes lit up with a nasty purplish glow.
"I know...I shall inflict the worst terror POSSIBLE upon you!!"
BT hid under her massive waves of hair & whinged in a small voice.
And then Good BT appeared.

"Oh, my, you must have done a BAD thing to be here. It's a shame you weren't better...I live in a giant pink chiffon castle with coconut cream walls & sprinkles & happy little lamps everywhere & dolls dolls DOLLS as far as the eye can see, & I'm cuuuuuute!"
"THIS is the TORTURE?!" BT said incredulously, & tried to get out of her hair.
"She'll get to you after a few hours," Evil Al said. "Oh, and stop calling me Evil Al, it's too cumbersome...I prefer Eal. Now then, I'm off to tea, be back in a bit. BT, just stay here and keep rambling at her...she'll buckle under in no time."
"Hey," BT said suddenly. "How can YOU get in and out of here, and I can't?"
Good BT beamed adorably. "It's because *I'm* from the alternate dimension, with candy-coated cupcakes on every street corner, and happy little policemen with shiny whistle & night sticks, but they don't have guns, because we don't have any criminals in my dimension, and there's not even any traffic for them to direct, they just stand there and greet passers by with their red purses & heels & little hats & knickers &..."
"STOOOOOOOOOOP STOP STOP STOP!!" BT screeched.
"...and all the children are named pleasant things like Betsy & Alice & Peggy & Tommy & Timmy & Bobby & Tom & Tim & Bob &..."

*Back in the pad, because I can't continue writing this drivel*
"Is it tomorrow yet?" said MT.
"Nnnnooooooooooooooo for the fifteenth time," said Davy.
"When is tomorrow?"
"The day after today."
"When's today?" MT wondered.
"NOW," Davy said in exasperation.
"So Mommy's back now?"
"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" shouted Davy.
"Why don't you send him to figment *cuckoo* to keep BT company," Micky suggested innocently, with an evil inward smile.
"WAAAAAAAHHHH I DUN WANNA GO TO FIGMENT *CUCKOO*!" MT shrieked, & promptly burst into tears.
Al sighed. "I'm not going to send you there MT."
MT stopped crying but looked unsure.
Micky grimaced but left MT untouched though he wanted ever so badly to punch the young lad.
"Don't call me lad." MT said.
"K" said Al the author.
"I wonder what Eal is doing?" said Al in puzzlement.
"Who cares, BT is there are we are NOT MWAHAHA!" said Mike.
Everyone stared at Mike.
"Uh.. yeh.. um.. over here.. me go now.. bye!"

Back in the Room, Eal had made BT into three and was juggling her.
"Not round enough!" she said. She turned BT into three balls. "Better!"
"Eal, you really should be nicer to her." said NBT.
"Just shut up. HAHA You're initials are National Battery and Tire. Like the company. But with the Battery and the Tire switched."
"No they mean Nice BT and you know that!" said NBT.
Eal sighed and poofed NBT out.
"I'll find a less aggravating way to annoy you! Since I'm stuck here with only my Evil House, I am SOO bored, so until Al gets you out I'm going to PLAY with YOU! MWAHHAA!"
BT sighed and tried to roll off but it was really hard to roll in thin are and she was three so it was even harder. She managed to get two of her parts into one but Evil Al caught up the other part.
"Oh crikey." BT said annoyedly as she was pulled back to Eal.

Meanwhile, MT was sitting on Peter's head, reading a magazine with him.
"Ouch, MT, please?"
"Don't wanna!"
"PLEASE?!"
"DON'T WANNA!"
"Ugh.."
Sassip sauntered into the room and ate Peter's book.
"Sassip, PLEASE?
"Noooo!"
"PLEASEEE!?"
"Don't wanna!!!!"
"Ugh," said Peter, getting up and walking away, dropping MT on the floor in the process.
Sassip devoured MT.
"No! Spit him out girl!" Davy coaxed. "He'll give you HORRIBLE heartburn!"
Sassip made a face and spit him out.
MT's lip quivered & Al quickly dried him off because she didn't want him to start again.

"Is Mommy okaaaay?" he whinged noisily.
"YOUR MOTHER BT THE IGNORANT FIGMENT WONDERTWIT CHICK IS FFFIIIIIINNNNNEEEEE," Micky said, leaping up & running outside to throw himself into the ocean.
"That was strange," said Peter.
"You said that already," MT sniffled.
"Oh. Well, she's okay, so just let's forget about her for now."
"But I wanna see her!!" MT whined.
"Oh, grow up," snapped Al. "Ooohhh I'm sorry I didn't mean...ooh, crap." MT had already started crying. Al made him fall asleep.
"Well, that's better. Now then...er...Davy, what are you DOING?!" "I'm sliding down Sassip! She's a slide-beastie EHEHEHEHE!" Davy shrieked foolishly & slid down her neck.
"She made you all stupid & foopy," Al whinged.
"I am not foopy! Or stupid, for that matter," Davy grumbled, climbing off Sassip.
"Just go and eat your pound cake, Davy," Al said in a patronizing tone.
Davy perked up & went to look in the fridge. "We don't have any!"
"I'll make you some if you quit being dumb," Al offered.
"Okay!" Davy munched his pound cake & Al even made some fish flavored pound cake for Sassip because she felt extra nice.

Meanwhile, Evil Al had tired of playing with BT as three and made her look like herself again. However, she couldn't see.
"'Elp, 'elp I can't see!"
And she had a British accent now...did I mention that? No...well she did.
NBT clucked disapprovingly. "Tsk tsk...not polite to whinge. Now, as I was telling you of my happy childhood-"
"YOU ARE A CHIIIILD," BT screamed & started wishing Micky was there...so NBT could torture him instead. Oh, and she wanted a hug too.
"-in the alternate dimension of Candyland, where the grass is flavored like sugar & there are no evil bugs, just ladybugs & praying mantises because we like them served on toast, and-"
While NBT was rambling, Evil Al was thinking. She had picked up on BT's thoughts and decided to give her Micky.
"BT?" she said suddenly, shoving NBT out of the way rudely.
"That was rude," NBT said, & started rambling. Eal made her mute, and she didn't even notice.
"BT...don't you wish Micky was here?"
"YEESSSSSS GIVE ME HIM NOW OR I WILL THROW A HISSY FIT!"
"Ooh, that might be amusing," Eal said considering carefully. "No, it wouldn't, would it...well, okay, you can have Micky," she said sweetly, & in poofed Micky.

"MMMIIIIIIICCCCKKYYYYYYYYYY," BT shouted & started to run for him. However, he put out a fist in front of him & she rammed straight into it. After picking herself up off the floor & brushing the little stars & birds from around her head, she grabbed a fistful of Micky's hair on an impulse.
"HEYYYYY you're not Micky!!!!!" she yelled, & started hitting him. He picked her up by her hair & threw her across the room.
"OH!! My goodness, that wasn't nice at ALL, Micky!! Oh my," NBT tried to say, but then she realized she was mute. She tugged on Eal's evil sleeve.
"Oh, yes, I made you mute because you were rambling about Candyland...will you stop?"
NBT nodded. Eal gave her back her voice.
"OH!! My goodness, that wasn't at ALL nice of you, you evil Micky type person thing!" NBT said.
"You tell him!" BT shrieked while hitting him.
"Of course," NBT considered, "You aren't very nice, either, are you? Oh my, I'm surrounded by all these naughty people...what's a nice little girl like me to do when in the midst of the influence of evil," she started off again & Eal muted her blissfully.
"Micky? Do cute things," Eal said evilly.
And so Micky did & BT hated it because he was even worse than the regular not-quite-as-evil-as-this-one-Micky, and she couldn't have him either.

Back in the pad...
"Micky...if you don't stop that NOW, I am going to send you to the room with BT & Evil Al people," Al threatened. Micky had been singing Take A Giant Step (along with all the harmony parts), while playing the drum part to Randy Scouse Git, for the past four hours.
Micky continued to do so.
"THAT'S IT, YOU'RE GOONNNNE," Al screamed & sent him to the room.

"ACK!!" Micky cried, & looked around.
"MT! What're YOU doing here?" he said, taken aback.
"MT? Huh?" said the evil Micky in confusion.
"Micky!! Are you really you?" BT said, grabbing his hair. "OH IT IS! Well, that Micky-" she said, pointing.
"It's not polite to point," NBT interrupted.
"It's not polite to interrupt, either," BT snapped & continued. "That Micky is the EVIL alternate dimension Micky!! Wwaaaaahhh I'm scared," she said, & jumped into Micky's arms to hide.
Micky unceremoniously dumped BT to the floor & said, "Ummmm...oh boy, I gotta leave now seeya everybody," he said & turned around.
"MMIICCKYYYY," BT whinged, "if you had a SHRED of human decency in you you would HELP ME."
Micky appeared to consider this for a moment, but he shrugged & poofed out.

"NO FAAAIIIIRR how come he can poof out and I can't?! I'm a FIGMENT, he shouldn't be able to-"
"I don't know..." Eal said thoughtfully. "That was by far the oddest thing I've ever seen. Oh well, back to the torture."

Micky reappeared seconds later.
"Shoot!" he said angrily.
BT stared and then laughed.
"Its not polite to.." started NBT but BT had slapped a giant Mean Micky into her mouth.
"OH YOu"RE DEAD!" said Mean Micky.
Micky was not at all thrilled.
"WHY CAN'T I GET OUT?!" he shrieked.
"Hahaha Only Al can get you and your little figment out now! But for now you are MINE!" said Eal. She strung Micky and BT up and began playing House with them.

"Oh, hi Micky welcome home honey buns!" she made BT say.
"Oh, hi BT sweetums cheese curls! Come give us a kiss huh!" she made Micky say.
"Oh!" said NBT spitting out Mean Micky.
"Now, let's all go down to Evil Al's house and clean up for her!" said Micky.
"Okay sweetums and then we can smooch all day!" said BT.
Micky made a face and tried to get away but Eal's influence was way too powerful.
BT wasn't exactly resisting....

"Where's Mommy and Daddy?" asked MT innocently.
Al grabbed her head. "PLEASE stop with the where are people thing!" she cried.
"Well, I hope Micky's okay. I mean.. Eal AND BT. Hmmm." said Mike.
Davy was eating poundcake. "If we were back in England there wouldn't be any twits cause we're all civilised." he said plainly.
"Yes indeedy!" agreed Sassip.
"Don't talk with your mouth full, love!" said Davy, wiping her mouth.
"I don't care about England Davy cause BT's been to England and she ripped up the place. Never again!" Al sighed.
Davy looked at her oddly and began cramming more poundcake into his mouth.
"Really Davy, you've changed.. you're.. more Mickyish now." said Peter. Davy stood up abruptly and looked hurt.
"Ah, he didn't mean it, Dave." said Mike, whittling.
"Hey, I didn't know you whittled Mike!" said Davy, staring intently at the whittling.
"I don't." said Mike, staring at the whittling.
"Oh.. well, come on Sassip let's go for a swim eh!" said Davy. Sassip grinned and knocked Davy and Peter over with her huge flipper.
"Yeh, uh, let's not and say we did..." said Davy, laying uncermoniously on the floor.
Sassip made a puppy face (which is really hard for a big sea monster, no matter how cute she be), but Davy decided they take a nap on the floor since he couldn't seem to get up with Peter on his legs.
"Miiikkeeee Sassip and Davy make me SICK!" whinged Al.
"ME TOO!" said MT.
Everyone gave him a funny "Puuuhh-leeeassssee!" look.
"What?" he asked simply.

"Loook, don't you think Micky and BT have had enough punishment for today?" said Mike. After all, this idle chit chat is going nowhere fast.
"Oh, I dunno. Let's see what they're doing. Eh, Authors?" said Al quizzically.
"Yes, we're sick of writing this, amusing though it has been," said the authors (well, the one currently in command). "Bring 'em back."
And so Al poofed BT & Micky up reluctantly.
"HEY!!" BT shrieked. "I DIDN'T GET TO KISS HIM WWWAAAAAAHHHH!!"
Micky made a face. "YOU want a kiss??? I'll GIVE you a kiss!" he said & punched her in the face.
BT looked absolutely stunned, & then burst into tears.
"AAAAALLLLLLLLLLL YOU GOT THE WRONG MICKY!"
"YOU HURT MOMMY!" yelled MT. "YOU'RE A BAD MAN!" he said & proceeded to beat the tar out of evil Micky. Al replaced evil Micky with the nice Micky, who was unfortunately just a half inch away from smooching BT.
"MMMICCKYY!" BT cried but he'd already gotten away & was shrieking "EW EW EW EW SHE ALMOST KISSED ME EW EW EW!"
BT sulked and sulked and sulked and then tried to kiss him and sulked and sulked and sulked and tried to kiss him and sulked and then accidentally missed & kissed his hair & he went to wash it & she sulked more, and everyone else ate pound cake & watched Sassip play with Davy.
THE END

Next Issue: Davy becomes one of Peter's figments by some freak accident and desperately wants out.

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