"Hi!" Han said......again, and again quite evillllllllllike.
"You're evil, huh?" said the chair, err, not not the chair. Well someone said it!
"Yep!" said Han and Izzy IN UNISON!
"Don't do that!" Izzy said, smacking Han.
"Don't do that!" Han said, smacking Izzy.
"Shut up, dimwit!" Izzy said, sticking out her tongue.
Han pinched Izzy's tongue and tackled Mike.
"Uh...oof?!" said Mike bewilderedly.
BT kicked Mike. "That was a dumb thing to say."
"Well it's YOUR fault you made me say it."
"Did not! Uhh...SHE did!" BT said, pointing at Izzy, & hiding behind Micky because she was scared of her. She was looking at Micky evilly.
"Micky she's looking at you evilly," said BT.
"Geeee, no KIDDING?!" Micky said with considerable sarcasm.
"Ooooo he was sarcastic at meeee," BT said & melted into a puddle.
"Don't do that," said Peter.
"Mmmkay," said BT & reformed.
"UHHH, hello, I'm gettin' tackled by this chick who just walks in here, gimme some help huh?" Mike said listlessly.
Al looked at Peter, who looked at Davy, who looked at Micky, who looked over BT's head back at Al.
"You skipped me," said BT.
"GO AWAY!!" Micky shouted.
Suddenly, totally without warning (excepting the New York Times, who knew six weeks in advance), Izzy tackled Micky.
"OOH!!" BT shrieked & jumped on them.
Al sniffed. "Hey, you're FIGMENTS!" she said aggressively.
Izzy and Han got off their Monkees' legs and bowed. "That we are dearies."
"Don't call me a dearie thing." said Al.
"Aha! We are EEEVVIILL!!' said the two.
"I'm eviller," said Al.
"Are not!" said the two again.
"Are are are are are!" said Al turning green.
"Hey, that's my color!" said BT, snatching it away.
"Ouch. SHE'S mean!" said Al, pointing.
Izzy got right in BT's face. "'Zat right?" she said.
BT looked scared and ran in back of Mike.
"Hey, where'd she go?" said Han, who wasn't looking at BT at all, but Mike.
"She's behind Mike you dolt."
"I'm not the dolt!" said Han, turning Izzy into a cat.
"AHH THERE THEY GO WITH THE CATS AGAIN!" said Davy and ran behind Sassip.
"Um, Davy, that's not us. See?" said Al.
"Oh, well SOMEONE'S going with the cats again and.. ooh Sassip has purty fur."
"Uh, Davy, Sassip is..." said Mike.
"OH, yes, how silly of me." said Davy and he went to find some stuff.
Izzy walted up to Al. "Ha, you're not so tough. I hear you're the lead figment round here, but we're gonna smother you!"
"That's not very polite," said Al matter-of-factly.
"AH YOU SOUND LIKE NBT!" shouted BT looking around frantically.
Micky shuddered and hid behind Mike.
"I bet I could clobber you any old day!" said Izzy.
Al sniffed. "Go ahead! I'm older than you!" she said sticking out her tongue.
Han turned BT into a dog. "Go chase Izzy. I'll take care of Al!"
BT decided to just lick Micky's hand, who got repulsed and told BT to fetch the newspaper which, unbeknownst to BT, was already in.
Al watched as Han sauntered up to her.
"So, you think you're the top figment round these here parts eh?" she said stupidly.
"Hey, we already did that, and what is this, a western?" said Al.
"Oh, yeh, I guess you're right," said Han, furrowing her brow in deep thought.
"Uh oh.." said Mike and Peter.
Han fell over, obviously defeated by Al. Al shrugged and read a book. Han got herself out of deep thought.
"OOOH YOU!" she said and turned Al into a canteloupe.
"OH YUCK!" said Al and rolled around until she managed to turn into a tiger.
"ROOOAARR!" she said and pounced onto Han.
Han freaked and turned into a big alligator. "Haha! *snap snap!*"
Al turned into a dragon. "Yummy! Fried alligator!" she said, breathing fire all over Han.
"OOF!" said Han and turned into a fried alligator.
"AHH! YOU KILLED ALLLLLL!" said MT.
"No, that's Han," said Peter.
"Huh, haaaann?" said MT.
"No, Han," said Mike.
"HAAAND!" said MT, playing with Peter's hand.
"NO NO NO!" shouted Han angrily. She whipped MT with her tail.
"WAAAHH!!" shouted MT.
"HEY!" shouted BT, and ran over and bit Han's tail hard.
Izzy thought the whole scene going on in the Monkee's pad was funnier than the time Han turned into green jello for a week, so just sat on the couch and watched.
Han stuck her tongue out at Izzy "Stop remembering when I turned into green jello for a week!"
"Sorry," said Izzy, "It's just BT ate some 6 month old jello off the floor just now and it reminded me..."
"Wait, just wait a minute here guys!" said Mike, holding up his hands all leader-arific like. Han liked his leader-arificness. "Who are you two? Why are you in our pad? And for Pete's sake why are you wreaking such havoc?!"
Izzy laughed, "You said wreaking havoc, hahahaha!"
Mike glared, "I know!"
Han liked when Mike glared, it was glare-arific.
Izzy raised her hand, "Scuse me!" She tapped Izzy and Han the authors on the shoulder, "You're making this story lame-arific, guys!"
"Sheesh!!!! Sorry!!!!" they shouted in UNISON!
"Brat," whispered Izzy the author.
"Wait a minute!" said Peter, almost unstupid-arific-like. "I think someone said my name back aways in that dialogue and no one ever answered Mike's questions!"
Everyone in the pad stared at Peter. He said something that was almost unstupid-arific-like.
"WOW," said Micky.
"Double wow," said Davy.
"Triple wow," said Sassip.
"Double wow," said Izzy.
"Hey, that's my line! Don't steal my line you evil-figment-type chick!"
Izzy stuck her tongue out at Davy. "I'm evil, I can do whatever I want!"
"Can not!" said Davy
"Can so!" said Izzy.
"Don't do that!" shouted Han, Al and MT all at once AKA: IN UNISON!
Izzy and Davy pouted...in unison!
BT stood up (she was no longer a dog for reasons unknown) on a stand thing and waved a conductor's baton. "All together now..."
"I've Never Been To Unison, Is It Nice?" said everyone in chorus.
"Thank you," said BT, poofing the baton away & stepping down.
"Well, that was odd," said Micky.
"Was it then?" said Davy.
"Heck yeah," said Mike & trimmed his hat.
"Oooohhh," Han giggled. "I LOVE when Mike trims his hat, it's sooo trim-arific!"
BT stared at her oddly. "You mean like when Micky is all 'whaaa'-arific?"
Han just stared back at her oddly & finally dismissed her remark. BT shrugged & hid under the couch from nothing in particular.
"LOOK!" said Davy suddenly. "A plot hole!"
"Oh, good, I was wondering when things were starting to get interesting," said Peter with relief. For there, in the middle of the floor in the Monkees' pad, was a plot hole, complete with ladder.
"ME ME ME ME!" cried Izzy.
"Au contraire," said Mike.
"Au contraire?" Izzy wondered as she climbed down the ladder. "Is that what he said?" Then she climbed back up, with a *boink* look on her face very reminiscent of "Soap?".
"Guys guys guys!"
"What?" said everyone.
"I mean Han Han Han!"
"WHAT?!" said Han. Izzy grabbed her arm & whispered at her.
"Ooohhhhh," said Han, & her eyes lit up. "Okay!"
"Ahem," she said. "We have decided to follow the mighty wisdom of the Plot Oracle Hole thing whatevermacallitdoohickey, and so we're leaving! 'Bye!" Han grabbed Mike & poofed away. Izzy threw Micky over her shoulder & poofed out with him.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-T???" screamed BT. "SHE TOOK MICKY??!!"
"BT..." said Micky.
"Not now MT...HE'S GOONNNEE AAUUGH," she sobbed.
"BT!" said Micky impatiently.
"Never again will I get to brush his hair..." she continued to lament.
"Bee-teeee!!" said Micky & whacked her.
"WHAATT?!" she cried.
"Ooohhh...then...MT!!" she cried suddenly.
"Yeah so whatever MT's gone, what about MIKE?!" said everyone.
"It was very unrealistic for EVERYONE to say that," Al whinged.
"Well where'd the evil figment chick people take them?" said Davy.
"Presumably back to their pad. We'll have to find wherever that is..." Al trailed off. "Hmmmm...BT, go find that potion in a little green bottle with a red lid, y'know? AND DON'T SCREW UP." BT disappeared & returned momentarily with the potion.
"Okay..." Al said, taking the bottle. She threw it on the floor. It broke (naturally), & pretty lavender smoke poured out & evaporated the bottle pieces. Then it settled in a pattern on the floor, where Izzy & Han had been standing when they poofed out.
BT snorted & leaned on the wall. "*I* coulda done that."
Al studied the smoke thingie intently. "Okay...I think I can poof us all to where they went. It's definitely someone's mind...let's see, how many of us are there...okay, BT, if you can help, we can-"
"-poof everyone to wh...why'd you laugh?"
Davy looked confused, said, "I d'know," & made a shoe face.
BT looked at the pattern. "Uhh...the crinkly, or the badger?" she inquired of Al.
Al made a face at her. "You know very well."
"OH...oh never mind, I'm dumb," said BT turning red. Everyone watched this conversation with bewilderment & slight interest.
"Alright, off we go!!" said Al, and everyone poofed into Izzy & Han's mind. (Well, not their mind, like they shared one, but the mind they inhabited, like Al & BT's mind is really Peter's...erm...oh just read on.)
Al and BT looked slightly perturbed by the odd ritual going about in the mind pad of Izzy and Han.
They had tied up Mike and MT and were dancing around them stupidly. "Hey, stop that! It's stupid!" she said.
"Who's she?" everyone asked.
"Oh, sorry. I meant Al," said Al the author.
"Alright then." said Al. Then she looked confused. "I don't remember saying that..."
"Shut up and just do whatever I write!"
"Okay then," said Al, pulling up her sleeves.
"Why do I have to pull up my sleeves?" said Al.
"BECAUSE I SAID TO!" said Al the Author.
"Oh, and I suppose if you write that I jump off a bridge..." stated Al.
"YES!" said Al the Author.
"Oh, okie, just checking!" said Al, pulling up her sleeves.
"MINE!" shouted BT, after waiting several painstaking minutes to deliever her line. She then pounced on MT, untied him and picked him up bodily and ran orff.
"MOMMMEE!" he shouted happily.
"Yes MT," said BT, ducking and weaving.
"Why are you ducking and weaving, and WHY DON'T YOU HELP ME!" shouted Mike.
"MINE!" shouted Davy, and pounced on Mike, untying him, and picked him up bodily and ran away ducking and weaving.
"I never knew you cared!" said Mike.
"Okay now this is getting dumb!" said Micky.
"YES and how did you get in here!?" said Han evilly.
"WHERE is here?" said Peter.
"Um... wait, this is.. oh no.. uh.. er.." said BT.
"OMIGOSH! IT IS! IT'S BABBIT'S MIND!" said Peter.
"How did you guess?" Izzy said sulkily.
"Uh, I dunno," said Peter scratching his silky cute hair.
"Have a taffy!" said Al.
"OOOH! Do you have strawbrie?" said Peter sulkily.
"Uh.. yeah, okay, just for you!" said Al, handing Peter a strawbrie taffy.
"Yay!" said Peter.
"Wow, are you sure MT and Peter didn't switch bodies?" said Davy.
"Wait a minute!" Han shouted and tackled Davy, "He's mine!!"
"I thought you wanted Mike?" Izzy said, confusedly.
"I do!" said Han, even more confusedly.
"Than why'd ya say, 'He's mine!' and tackle Davy?"
"To get to Mike, numbskull!" Han shouted frusratedly.
Izzy rolled her eyes, "Yeah, sure I'm the dumb one..."
"'Scuse me! Can we get back to the plot," said Han the author.
"There is no plot, halfwit!" yelled Han jumping up and down and kicking random things.
"OK, it's been said before, but THAT was dumb!" said Izzy.
"WAAAAAAHHH!" said Peter, "How come you two get so self absorbed in your own conversations you never write about anyone else?"
"WOW," said Izzy, "He said absorbed and another kinda big word."
"Double wow," said Han, "He-"
"You stole my line, you semi-smart vile Babbit figment chick!" Davy shouted, throwing a poundcake at Han.
"No really, THAT was pretty dumb," said Mike.
"Oh wow! Mikey-poo talked!" shouted Han.
"EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!" said Izzy, "Don't call him Mikey-poo!"
"OMIGOSH, why is everyone at our pad!?" said Izzy all dumb-like.
"Whoa, why'd it take you so long to say that?" asked Micky.
"Cause I'm the president of the procrastinators' club!" said Izzy proudly!
"Look, look!" shouted Peter, "They're doing it again, those self-loving evil figment writer chicks!"
"ARE NOT!" shouted Han and Izzy the writers in unison!
"ARE so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO SO SO!!!" Shouted Peter.
"Are so!" shouted Davy and Sassip.
"Wow, Sassip babe, you shouted!" said Davy all proud-like.
"Whoa, Davy's all proud-like," said BT.
"Yeah, proud and stuff," said Izzy, chewing on BT's leg.
"Don't do that!" screeched BT and then she kicked Izzy. "Owwww!" screamed Izzy, "Don't do that!" She jumped into MT's hair, but fell off because she was too big so she poofed into a soft, furry frog and hide in MT's hair.
"MIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEE!!!" said Han, tackling him again.
MT had that look on his face that little kids have when they're gonna cry or throw up or somethin'.
"UH-OH..." BT said warily & hurried over to him. "You gonna cry or throw up or somethin'?"
"Mommy...there's a furry frog in my hair...I'm scared get it out..." MT said shakily.
"Awww it's okay baby it's okay," said BT & removed Izzy from MT's hair. Suddenly she felt terribly evil, so she put Izzy in Micky's hair.
"EEEEAAIOAUWRHGHWHTHWTIOHGIOAWGWAHWEHOW!!!" Micky yelled, freaking out until Izzy fell out of his hair. "BEE-TEEEEE WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"
BT sniffed. "Because you don't like me," she said, sticking her tongue & hopping in MT's lap because she couldn't put him in hers because she was tiny & he was huge. "Are you okaaaay baby honey doll?"
"Eeeewwwwwwwwww," Al said with extreme distaste. "*I* dun even say 'baby honey doll'...of course, this is BT, the figment who brought us such nauseating terms of endearment like 'minty muffin', and...oh, I can't go on, I feel ill..."
Micky winced at the mention of "minty muffin". "I WANNA GO HOOOOOOOME!" he cried.
Izzy quickly turned herself into not-a-frog & jumped up on him. "NOOOO!! You get to stay here with me & Han & Mike!"
Micky looked terrified. "But Micky's over there!" he said, pointing at MT.
"Oh...you're MT huh? Well bye," said Izzy jumping off him & throwing BT out of MT's lap. "MICKYYYY!" she said dumbly.
BT sneaked over to Micky & whacked him hard in the back of his head. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT???!!!! THAT WASN'T NICE!!! YOU MADE HER GO AND TORTURE MT AND OOHHH I HATE YOU I HATE YOU," said BT & started beating the tar out of him.
Micky calmly picked BT up by the hair and chucked her at Al.
"AAAALLLL!" shrieked MT.
Al looked annoyed so she fell on Davy.
"Why does everyone want ME to do it?! I'm not some omnipotent figment!" she shrieked.
Everyone looked at her funnily.
"Okay I am! But it's boring!" she said and huffed around.
"DO SOMETHING!" cried MT, Sassip, and all the Monkees.
"Why didn't you say it too, BT?" said Sassip.
"OH! SASSIP TALKED TO ME!" said BT. Sassip grimaced and picked BT up by the hair and threw her at Izzy.
Izzy fell on Davy. Davy said "Don't touch me you!" and fell on Mike but Mike ended up falling on Davy cause everyone falls on Davy and Al got annoyed and told Izzy and Han they'd better knock it off and get their own Chronicles cause these were her's and BT's and they denied and Al got mad and turned them into Christmas presents that read "Do not open until *Cuckoo!* freezes over" and then she poofed everyone back.
"Okay. Is everyone happy!?" she said unhappily.
"No, I want poundcake," said Davy.
"No, I want my spark plug to grow!" said Mike.
"No, I want a new drum set," said Micky.
"No, I want Davy to be my sea monster prince," said Sassip.
"NO I WANT MICKY!" said BT.
"No! I want my thinkcap back!" said Peter dumbly.
"No, I want Mommy to make me ice cream to eat for ever and ever and ever..." said MT.
"NO!" said Izzy and Han Christmas presents things. "We'll be back to exact our revenge on you and your little Monkees too!" and they cackled evilly until they became hoarse in the throat since they couldn't really drink lest their paper get all fudged up and crinkly not shiny no mo ya dig?